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hanya pengulangan... : Kepala pendeta saja punya pandangan yang jauh tentang latihan-latihan yang diberikan kepada pendeta-pendeta muda di perguruan Shaolin.... apalagi Tuhan (dalam hal ini bagiku Allah swt) !!!!! keyakinan seperti milik sang pendeta muda ada dalam dada ini dulu, aku mempertanyakan : semua terjadi atas izin-Nya kini, ku mengiyakan dulu, ku berseru dalam hati : janji-Nya adalah tidak diperlukan perantara antara aku sang hamba dengan-Nya. mengapa dikemudian hari kutemukan keberadaan seorang mursyid kini, kusadari, siapa sih aku ini? kehadiran seorang mursyid seperti 'anak tangga' . di mana anak tangga ke sekian itu, adalah mursyid ku, yang berada tepat di atas kepala ku. dan anak-anak tangga di atasnya, lalu di atasnya lagi, lalu di atasnya lagi, teruuuuuusssssssssss sampai kepada sang Rasul. yang bahkan kasih Allah swt kepada beliau tercurahkan kepada umat manusia (muslim mau pun non muslim) bahkan sebelum 'hari perhitungan'. dulu, ku tak kenal apa buah pikiran dan buah jiwa dari Imam Ghozali, syekh Abdul Qadir Al-Jaelani. kini, ku terpeanjat, ketika kusadari, kumulai menoleh pada buah pikiran dan buah jiwa beliau berdua sejak kutemani orang tua ku mengunjungi suatu tempat di pelosok , Jakarta coret. Sejak ku bermursyid(walau waktu itu belum niat baru sekedar menemani). semua keberkahan memahami menghampiriku karena kebesaran mursyidku.mursyidku, beliau juga hamba Allah swt, tapi bukan manusia biasa, kalau dulu, muslimin mempunyai sang Rasul. kini sebagai pembimbing yang mencontoh sang Rasul, mursyid. yang dapat dikenali dan ditemui dengan iman , yang bermohon perlindungan kepada Allah swt dari tipuan-tipuan dalam perjalanan menemui sang mursyid. Alhamdulillah Allah swt, akan selalu menjaga bahkan di saat sang pemohon lupa akan permintaannya. bermursyid, ini ditakdirkan tidaklah akan memasyarakat.seperti gelar professor, tidaklah semua orangmenginginkan. aku bermursyid, tapi bukan berarti ku telah berhenti perang melawan diri ini. selalu ada kesempatan untuk diri ini, membuatku terpeleset. (posted in yahoogroups.com)

apa yang tidak diketahui (1)

ini hanya pengulangan...: Di salah satu sudut di wilayah perguruan Shaolin: seorang pendeta muda berlarian menaiki jenjang tangga lima ribu. Di bahunya dijinjing dua ember berisi air yang bolong di dasarnya . Dia harus bisa mengisi penuh bak mandi besar di ujung tangga. di pergelangan kakinya diikatkan pemberat. keringat besar-besar menetes di dahi dan seluruh tubuhnya. perutnya yang hanya diisi semangkuk nasi dan sayur, itu pun semalam, mulai menggeram. yang bisa membuat kakinya masih bisa melangkah adalah hatinya. Yang meneriakkan pesan-pesan ibunya untuk menjadi dirinya yang terbaik bersama bertambahnya tahun. Penderitaan ibunya sewaktu mencarikan makanan untuk dirinya. Mencucikan baju tetangga-tetangga, memasakkan tetangga-tetangganya supaya ada makanan yang bisa dibawa pulang, hinaan-hinaan , cacian cacian yang diperuntukkan kepada ibunya oleh tetangga-tetangga brengsek. pendeta muda itu sendiri belum tahu akan jadi apa dia bila berhasil lulus dari perguruan shaolin ini , selain menjadi pendeta. namun karena sang ibu yang membawanya ke tempat itu, dan pesan-pesan ibunya, dijalaninya semua itu.yang dia tahu hanyalah dia tidak bisa berhenti sekarang. kemarin berhasil dilewatinya latihan-latihan serupa ini, maka begitu juga hari ini akan dilaluinya.seperti akhir hari kemarin, setelah latihan-latihan berat, sang guru memanggilnya dan memberikan padanya sebuah kitab yang ternyata adalah kitab ekonomi yang sedang dipelajarinya, yang bila berhasil dia kuasai, dia akan pantas mengikuti ujian menjadi penasehat perekonomian kerajaan.ini janji sang guru padanya, yang baru diketahuinya di akhir latihan-latihan berat. seperti hari kemarin, sang pendeta muda belum tahu apa yang akan didapatnya dari latihan-latihan hari ini. tapi harapan-harapan yang terbaik ada dalam dadanya.

..from old journal of mine..

Realization ... July 2, 2004 Last Monday 28 June 2004 I was still sick.But somehow i have realized that i shouldn't run away from where i went to do dzikr on mondays and thursdays, just because i broke up with widar. And i went to Sawangan with my father.And i was glad i have not met him.I have came straight to prayer place and when finished straight to go to the road waiting for my father there. And at the night until 1.30 i sms with Widar about things between Sarinah's(his best friend) missing father up to problems between us.And i felt like being throwed to the wall and realization slapped me that temporarily? or permanently? i have no idea... there is no chances for us to continue our relationships. We thought at the start that we were together was God's will.But, things change...we have to broke up. I dont want to torture him because this matter and dont want him to hate me for feeling pushed by me. While his belief is what happened between us is just that.Not a marriage purpose.Coz if it is, his mother will like me...He can not hurt his mother's heart anymore..Last time when she knew i am older 5 years than him..she was crying..and he felt he is owe his mother so much by raising him and his 8 brothers and 1 sister by herself...so he will do whatever will make his mother happy..I didn't like when he told me that he felt that every accidents which happened to his brother (his brother hands cut by glass) and him(fell from the stairs) in the past happened when he hurt his mother's heart. I am hurt when i realized that he already made his mind. Letting me go.Dead end between us. And i dont want anything bad happened with his soul.He can believe what he wants.May Allah explained what was true to him..and to me..perhaps i was wrong too..and if his belief(he hurt his mother that's why bad things happened) wrong..Allah can do whatever Allah's wants..hard for me to say this: but i should say it...i think i have to accept the fact there is no future for us together. I am just a soul who has to finish what GOD destined me....Perhaps this is it, God destined me, so our path together was supposed only temporary. Just gave us enough time to share each other experiences and care for each other. God, Please give mercy on me ... i will try my best to accept things as You want to be happened.Please help me...to understand and give me strength to pass this experience ...

excellent road singer

I remember there were many times on the way home from my activities when i was very tired and very sleepy. Though i always manage to sit still not bothering people who sit next to me. In these two years, in 730 days I remembered a few excellent singers who made me forgot my sleepiness. Who made my heart throbbing by their beautiful voice. Talented people, sometimes teen boys, or a fat woman with her guitar playing "Killing me softly" beautifully, stolen my fatigueness at her first line of song...For them almost all of the people in the bus throwing away the money into the singer's can. Every ears stand up listening to the heavenly voice while outside the bus traffic jam and horns from vehicles heard. At that moment they didn't realised how angelic they were to me. And i was sure for almost the people in the bus. Pray to God for them to find the way to a better life. To have strength to be good and find opportunities.

Save back home after Baduy trip, i cut my hair..... 

This was how they cooked for us-on the woods for the fire. And this way improve the quality and taste of all of food we ate.(Taken by Madania group) 

the bridge made from bamboo and even though we declares we are adventurous people...hehehe the fact was many of us scared to cross over  

Me and the next generation of Baduy-native tribe of Banten , West Java, Indonesia (11-13Sep 04) 

I have got my Banking Diploma in this Faculty. After many years of working late in a joint venture bank in Jakarta, and three more different companies, i realized i wanted to get my bachelor degree and i want it here, from my old Faculty. I tried very hard to catch up between office hour and class. :(( But, i don't have so much strength at this age and i was only managed for 2 semesters... did not have strength to travel between 2 cities: Jakarta-Depok,West java-Jakarta where i live.Regret? of course...but at least i tried.

Comes From Within

Happiness should comes from within ourselves.Not comes from friends that you hang around with, or from money that you have, or from bigger salary that you earn, or from who is your father ,or mother, not from all those things.Not from outer sources of our life. Even though I have more money than yesterday, why I don't feel happy today? After I smile and laugh with my best friends...then even though I am broke, I feel happy? Feel content!!! After having several time talking to my mother - after avoiding her many times -I feel relieve? Feel content..Why after sending sms to my father when he is away, I feel content?? I think because I am making connection to myself, doing what I really want to do,making connection and happy for what I have,appreciate what I have,appreciate and give time to connect with those people around me...for these, I am happy, I am content. Like last night I have a good sleep..when I felt life is dull yesterday. That was because I chose to watch a film : Lord of The Ring-Return of The King...beautiful film about fellowship ,trust,courage,hope..... Thank you God for made me grabbing a book of John Gray, who has showed me this in 1999.From his book 'How to get what you want and want what you have' many things opened up to me, i come to know about things... open up my view that I , myself could find medicine for myself, some stage of life that skipped should fulfilled before i move on or continue my journey to the next stage.I become lighter to deal with life difficulties,to deal with my parents, the biggest one is to deal with myself.

Take a Bus, Train, or Plane?

On holidays.. .Make plan to travel and number one is how to get there... which one is better? Taking a bus, train or plane? where am i going to stay? where will i spend time? In life, our short-term plan is between one - five years.What do i want to be in two years from now?Where i want to be in three years from now? Whom am i going to be with in the future? these are some questions that pop up in my head. .and more In life we face risk ... must take risk to move ahead... Honestly, i am afraid to choose someone to be my spouse.. i can not risk my life ..but i have to...

CHANGE...

The foundation of life is based on the word : change. Some of us fear of changes, while everything is changed quickly. Time is ticking.People is getting older,getting fatter, getting madder...that's the negative side of changing. Children becoming teenager, they are getting smarter, they are getting wiser,they are stronger, they are nicer than we used to be,etc...That's the positive side of changing.The goodness versus the bad ones, each of it spread to find people who will listen to it.   My belief is good things always win,'coz it's contagious and people starts to listen to their subconscious mind recently...even for those in the west, they are changing becoming more 'east' than eastern people...(in this journey i have found a belief that somehow good and bad comes in one package for people to acknowledge and choose the good one.)   Our subconscious mind is where the wisdom of us live. It understands how to deal with changing in our life. It teaches us how to deal with certain people, it shows us how to absorb the simple happiness in life, sometimes it tries to interrupt our comsumption of the material world and introduces us to essence of life, it connects us to the One who gives life to us, THE ONE that LARGER THAN LIFE Itself, THE LORD. not the lord of the ring..you movie-freak :P

One Drop of Water

Talking to myself what should i do.So i make plan start from today,to make my future brighter.    Try to live in present 'coz someone said to live in present can make most of what you are doing, and when you maximize for now, later you will get big result, insyaAllah.   Yes, i am a Moslem. I also do my five times prayers a day.Not try, but start to do it properly and at the beginning of the time.I also do night prayers at 3 am (that's the plan!!) :D well, i do it start at 4 am.Still couldn't wake up at 3 am. I also do my dhuha prayer, between 7 am - 12 am/pm.I connect myself to my God, Allah swt 24 hours /1440 minutes /86400 seconds/day...   It was interrupted when i have someone who steal my heart..he was a good guy.(His name is Widar.He respects his mother so much, he doesn't continue our relationships when he knows it made her cry to know her younger son has a relationships with me, someone older than him.I can accept this. What if this was happening when I was in college? Huh, I will never understand and accept something like this..soooo, I am change!!! Alhamdulillah, what can I say more??  At least I absorb a few things from him…never skip my mahgrib prayer even though I am on the road, should stop by at the nearer mosque,becoming better daughter to my parents, treat everybody nicer,lighter, lol funny how life-school  sent someone to be your tutor with all of that heart-ache huh?!  :>    )   So here i am again, contemplating in God again.Later i should connect with Allah swt 24 hours/1440 minutes/86400 seconds/day even though i have a man in my heart.   Now, i am living my life and do things as best as i can, want to know what kind of a man i am going to have a relationships next, what man that Allah puts into my life...