..from old journal of mine..

Realization ... July 2, 2004 Last Monday 28 June 2004 I was still sick.But somehow i have realized that i shouldn't run away from where i went to do dzikr on mondays and thursdays, just because i broke up with widar. And i went to Sawangan with my father.And i was glad i have not met him.I have came straight to prayer place and when finished straight to go to the road waiting for my father there. And at the night until 1.30 i sms with Widar about things between Sarinah's(his best friend) missing father up to problems between us.And i felt like being throwed to the wall and realization slapped me that temporarily? or permanently? i have no idea... there is no chances for us to continue our relationships. We thought at the start that we were together was God's will.But, things change...we have to broke up. I dont want to torture him because this matter and dont want him to hate me for feeling pushed by me. While his belief is what happened between us is just that.Not a marriage purpose.Coz if it is, his mother will like me...He can not hurt his mother's heart anymore..Last time when she knew i am older 5 years than him..she was crying..and he felt he is owe his mother so much by raising him and his 8 brothers and 1 sister by herself...so he will do whatever will make his mother happy..I didn't like when he told me that he felt that every accidents which happened to his brother (his brother hands cut by glass) and him(fell from the stairs) in the past happened when he hurt his mother's heart. I am hurt when i realized that he already made his mind. Letting me go.Dead end between us. And i dont want anything bad happened with his soul.He can believe what he wants.May Allah explained what was true to him..and to me..perhaps i was wrong too..and if his belief(he hurt his mother that's why bad things happened) wrong..Allah can do whatever Allah's wants..hard for me to say this: but i should say it...i think i have to accept the fact there is no future for us together. I am just a soul who has to finish what GOD destined me....Perhaps this is it, God destined me, so our path together was supposed only temporary. Just gave us enough time to share each other experiences and care for each other. God, Please give mercy on me ... i will try my best to accept things as You want to be happened.Please help me...to understand and give me strength to pass this experience ...