apa yang tidak diketahui(2)

hanya pengulangan... : Kepala pendeta saja punya pandangan yang jauh tentang latihan-latihan yang diberikan kepada pendeta-pendeta muda di perguruan Shaolin.... apalagi Tuhan (dalam hal ini bagiku Allah swt) !!!!! keyakinan seperti milik sang pendeta muda ada dalam dada ini dulu, aku mempertanyakan : semua terjadi atas izin-Nya kini, ku mengiyakan dulu, ku berseru dalam hati : janji-Nya adalah tidak diperlukan perantara antara aku sang hamba dengan-Nya. mengapa dikemudian hari kutemukan keberadaan seorang mursyid kini, kusadari, siapa sih aku ini? kehadiran seorang mursyid seperti 'anak tangga' . di mana anak tangga ke sekian itu, adalah mursyid ku, yang berada tepat di atas kepala ku. dan anak-anak tangga di atasnya, lalu di atasnya lagi, lalu di atasnya lagi, teruuuuuusssssssssss sampai kepada sang Rasul. yang bahkan kasih Allah swt kepada beliau tercurahkan kepada umat manusia (muslim mau pun non muslim) bahkan sebelum 'hari perhitungan'. dulu, ku tak kenal apa buah pikiran dan buah jiwa dari Imam Ghozali, syekh Abdul Qadir Al-Jaelani. kini, ku terpeanjat, ketika kusadari, kumulai menoleh pada buah pikiran dan buah jiwa beliau berdua sejak kutemani orang tua ku mengunjungi suatu tempat di pelosok , Jakarta coret. Sejak ku bermursyid(walau waktu itu belum niat baru sekedar menemani). semua keberkahan memahami menghampiriku karena kebesaran mursyidku.mursyidku, beliau juga hamba Allah swt, tapi bukan manusia biasa, kalau dulu, muslimin mempunyai sang Rasul. kini sebagai pembimbing yang mencontoh sang Rasul, mursyid. yang dapat dikenali dan ditemui dengan iman , yang bermohon perlindungan kepada Allah swt dari tipuan-tipuan dalam perjalanan menemui sang mursyid. Alhamdulillah Allah swt, akan selalu menjaga bahkan di saat sang pemohon lupa akan permintaannya. bermursyid, ini ditakdirkan tidaklah akan memasyarakat.seperti gelar professor, tidaklah semua orangmenginginkan. aku bermursyid, tapi bukan berarti ku telah berhenti perang melawan diri ini. selalu ada kesempatan untuk diri ini, membuatku terpeleset. (posted in yahoogroups.com)

apa yang tidak diketahui (1)

ini hanya pengulangan...: Di salah satu sudut di wilayah perguruan Shaolin: seorang pendeta muda berlarian menaiki jenjang tangga lima ribu. Di bahunya dijinjing dua ember berisi air yang bolong di dasarnya . Dia harus bisa mengisi penuh bak mandi besar di ujung tangga. di pergelangan kakinya diikatkan pemberat. keringat besar-besar menetes di dahi dan seluruh tubuhnya. perutnya yang hanya diisi semangkuk nasi dan sayur, itu pun semalam, mulai menggeram. yang bisa membuat kakinya masih bisa melangkah adalah hatinya. Yang meneriakkan pesan-pesan ibunya untuk menjadi dirinya yang terbaik bersama bertambahnya tahun. Penderitaan ibunya sewaktu mencarikan makanan untuk dirinya. Mencucikan baju tetangga-tetangga, memasakkan tetangga-tetangganya supaya ada makanan yang bisa dibawa pulang, hinaan-hinaan , cacian cacian yang diperuntukkan kepada ibunya oleh tetangga-tetangga brengsek. pendeta muda itu sendiri belum tahu akan jadi apa dia bila berhasil lulus dari perguruan shaolin ini , selain menjadi pendeta. namun karena sang ibu yang membawanya ke tempat itu, dan pesan-pesan ibunya, dijalaninya semua itu.yang dia tahu hanyalah dia tidak bisa berhenti sekarang. kemarin berhasil dilewatinya latihan-latihan serupa ini, maka begitu juga hari ini akan dilaluinya.seperti akhir hari kemarin, setelah latihan-latihan berat, sang guru memanggilnya dan memberikan padanya sebuah kitab yang ternyata adalah kitab ekonomi yang sedang dipelajarinya, yang bila berhasil dia kuasai, dia akan pantas mengikuti ujian menjadi penasehat perekonomian kerajaan.ini janji sang guru padanya, yang baru diketahuinya di akhir latihan-latihan berat. seperti hari kemarin, sang pendeta muda belum tahu apa yang akan didapatnya dari latihan-latihan hari ini. tapi harapan-harapan yang terbaik ada dalam dadanya.

..from old journal of mine..

Realization ... July 2, 2004 Last Monday 28 June 2004 I was still sick.But somehow i have realized that i shouldn't run away from where i went to do dzikr on mondays and thursdays, just because i broke up with widar. And i went to Sawangan with my father.And i was glad i have not met him.I have came straight to prayer place and when finished straight to go to the road waiting for my father there. And at the night until 1.30 i sms with Widar about things between Sarinah's(his best friend) missing father up to problems between us.And i felt like being throwed to the wall and realization slapped me that temporarily? or permanently? i have no idea... there is no chances for us to continue our relationships. We thought at the start that we were together was God's will.But, things change...we have to broke up. I dont want to torture him because this matter and dont want him to hate me for feeling pushed by me. While his belief is what happened between us is just that.Not a marriage purpose.Coz if it is, his mother will like me...He can not hurt his mother's heart anymore..Last time when she knew i am older 5 years than him..she was crying..and he felt he is owe his mother so much by raising him and his 8 brothers and 1 sister by herself...so he will do whatever will make his mother happy..I didn't like when he told me that he felt that every accidents which happened to his brother (his brother hands cut by glass) and him(fell from the stairs) in the past happened when he hurt his mother's heart. I am hurt when i realized that he already made his mind. Letting me go.Dead end between us. And i dont want anything bad happened with his soul.He can believe what he wants.May Allah explained what was true to him..and to me..perhaps i was wrong too..and if his belief(he hurt his mother that's why bad things happened) wrong..Allah can do whatever Allah's wants..hard for me to say this: but i should say it...i think i have to accept the fact there is no future for us together. I am just a soul who has to finish what GOD destined me....Perhaps this is it, God destined me, so our path together was supposed only temporary. Just gave us enough time to share each other experiences and care for each other. God, Please give mercy on me ... i will try my best to accept things as You want to be happened.Please help me...to understand and give me strength to pass this experience ...

excellent road singer

I remember there were many times on the way home from my activities when i was very tired and very sleepy. Though i always manage to sit still not bothering people who sit next to me. In these two years, in 730 days I remembered a few excellent singers who made me forgot my sleepiness. Who made my heart throbbing by their beautiful voice. Talented people, sometimes teen boys, or a fat woman with her guitar playing "Killing me softly" beautifully, stolen my fatigueness at her first line of song...For them almost all of the people in the bus throwing away the money into the singer's can. Every ears stand up listening to the heavenly voice while outside the bus traffic jam and horns from vehicles heard. At that moment they didn't realised how angelic they were to me. And i was sure for almost the people in the bus. Pray to God for them to find the way to a better life. To have strength to be good and find opportunities.